Staying Connected Despite Different Political Views: The Art of Self-Differentiation
Recently, I had a deep and potentially triggering conversation with a friend about our different political beliefs. I didn’t know where he stood, and as the conversation progressed, I could tell he had different ideas than me and likely voted for the “other” candidate. I value this friend and his intelligence and knowledge of international security. This helped me to stay engaged in the conversation without getting emotionally dysregulated. What could have been a disastrous conversation ended up being a productive one. I was able to verbalize my concerns and beliefs yet be open to hearing my friend’s diverse opinions. Even more so, I was able to acknowledge the validity of the points he made.
This marked true growth for me. To be fully transparent, the political divide has been extremely distressing for me. Just because I’m a therapist doesn’t mean I can take a deep breath and let go of everything without it bothering me. I’m human, just like you. And I have strongly held beliefs about right and wrong and the type of world that I want to live in and that I want my children and grandchildren to inherit.
And the current United States isn’t it.
I struggled with some of my friendships before the 2024 election because they were voting for the “other” candidate. In fact, I had to set a personal boundary to limit my contact with them because their viewpoints were so upsetting to me. It was hard to hold two truths at the same time: that I cared about these people and that I couldn’t respect their political choices. I needed to take a big step back to feel safe and process the myriad of feelings I had.
Ultimately, the growth for me was to be curious - not angry - about the beliefs of those on the opposite political side while keeping myself emotionally calm. This allowed me to maintain the relationship with them and gain a different perspective. Often, we have trouble hearing other people when we don’t agree with their words. We immediately go into a fight-or-flight stress response and our conversation isn’t productive and frequently ends in conflict and hurt feelings.
But this blog isn’t about my political beliefs. It’s about the difficulty many of us have in staying emotionally regulated when those around us have different beliefs.
Why is this important?
I've noticed a growing concern in my practice: the struggle to maintain meaningful relationships with loved ones who hold different political beliefs. Whether it's tension with a spouse who votes differently, strained holiday dinners with family, or friendship-ending disagreements on social media, political differences are testing our closest bonds like never before.
But here's what I've learned from my personal life and from working with others on this issue: it's possible to stay true to your values while maintaining connections with those who see the world differently. The key lies in understanding and practicing self-differentiation – a concept that's particularly relevant for people in midlife as we refine our sense of self and strengthen our relationships.
What is Self-Differentiation?
Self-differentiation is our ability to maintain our own identity and beliefs while staying emotionally connected to others. Think of it as having strong, flexible boundaries – like a tree with deep roots that can bend in the wind without breaking. When we're well-differentiated, we can:
Hold onto our own values and beliefs without feeling threatened by different viewpoints
Stay calm in emotionally charged situations
Connect with others without losing ourselves
Disagree without becoming reactive or defensive
This skill becomes especially important in midlife, as we often find ourselves navigating complex relationships with adult children, aging parents, long-term partners, and friends whose views may have evolved differently from our own.
The Challenge of Political Differences
Politics often feel personal because they're connected to our core values and beliefs about how the world should work. When someone we love holds opposing views, it can feel like a rejection of our fundamental values. This is particularly true for women, as we often carry the emotional labor in relationships and feel responsible for maintaining harmony.
However, viewing political differences as a threat to relationship survival creates a false choice between authenticity and connection. The reality is more nuanced: we can remain true to our beliefs while choosing to see beyond political differences to the whole person we care about.
Practical Strategies for Maintaining Connection
1. Focus on Self-Understanding First
Before engaging in political discussions, get clear about your own triggers and reactions. Ask yourself:
What values underlie my political beliefs?
Why do opposing views make me uncomfortable?
Can I separate my emotional reactions from the actual issue at hand?
Understanding your own emotional landscape helps you respond thoughtfully rather than reactively.
2. Practice Holding Multiple Truths
Life rarely fits into neat categories of right and wrong. Try holding these seemingly contradictory ideas:
Your beliefs matter AND other perspectives can coexist
You can disagree with someone's views AND still value them as a person
Political differences are important AND they don't have to define relationships
3. Set Healthy Boundaries
Being differentiated doesn't mean having no boundaries. You can:
Decide which topics are off-limits in certain relationships
Choose when to engage in political discussions and when to redirect
Express your needs clearly: "I value our relationship and want to focus on what connects us rather than our political differences"
4. Cultivate Curiosity Instead of Judgment
When someone expresses a different viewpoint, practice curiosity:
What experiences led them to this belief?
What fears or hopes might be driving their perspective?
What common ground might we share despite our differences?
This approach helps move conversations from debate to dialogue.
The Gift of Midlife Wisdom
One advantage of being in midlife is the perspective we've gained. We've lived through enough changes – in ourselves and the world – to know that few things are as black and white as they seem. This wisdom can help us hold space for complexity in our relationships.
Remember: maintaining connection despite differences isn't about compromising your values. It's about being secure enough in your own beliefs to allow others the space to hold theirs. This kind of emotional maturity often comes with age and experience – it's one of midlife's hidden gifts.
Moving Forward
As you navigate relationships across political divides, remember:
Your worth isn't determined by your ability to change others' minds
It's okay to feel uncomfortable with differences – that's human
Connection often happens in the small moments, not the big debates
You can choose to focus on shared values and experiences
Political differences don't have to be relationship-ending. By practicing self-differentiation, setting healthy boundaries, and choosing connection over conviction, we can maintain meaningful relationships even in these politically charged times.
The next time you feel triggered by a loved one's different political views, pause and ask yourself: "What matters more in this moment – being right or staying connected?"
Sometimes, the most powerful political statement we can make is choosing to maintain loving relationships across differences, modeling the kind of understanding and respect we wish to see in the world.
If you need help learning the art of self-differentiation and navigating different political views with loved ones amidst our difficult political landscape, you can reach out through the website.
